Childish

Have you ever been in the grocery store and seen a child who has been told, "No."? The 'bad' kid throws a fit. Screaming. Crying. Begging. Kicking. Laying in the middle of the aisle. Throwing things. It's awkward for those witnessing, and mortifying for the parents.

That was me this past weekend.

I had high hopes and expectations for our 4-day Memorial Day weekend. We were going to have FUN! We were going to get stuff DONE! We were going out for a DATE! It was going to be awesome!!! And enjoyable!! And relaxing!!

Friday was all those things. It was not stressful, we got out of the house, enjoyed time as a family, ate ice cream (twice!).

Then came Saturday, and my little guy decided that life was too exciting to sleep. At all. Andwhen he fought naps and bed time (which I took personally as if he were fighting against ME), I responded like that rotten grocery store kid.

I got angry. I got frustrated. I raised my voice (not at my son, but towards my husband as I vented  complained). I cried. I pouted. I let a majority of the weekend be ruined because I didn't get MY WAY.

Ugh. I am mortified with myself. Ashamed. Embarrassed. Guilty that I also ruined the weekend for my husband and son.

More refining needs doing. Softening of my will. I should have taken a deep breath, said, "I guess he's too excited to sleep! Let's keep playing!" I should have prayed for the grace to figure out an alternative plan for us to still enjoy our time.

I failed this test. But I know God is faithful to keep teaching me until my childish heart gets it right. Gotta just get back up and keep trying to live this life for Him the best I can.

I lied.

Perhaps I was a little too eager. Life quickly got very busy and my life over the internet became very low on the priorities. Still is. But today I find myself trapped in my son's room while he tries to nap and thought I would pop over to my good ol' blog and see what was happening. (BTW, I have a son! Like I said, life quickly got busy!) 

There have been an overwhelming number of life changes that have happened since my feet landed back on US soil in June 2013. Through it all, good and hard (is change ever easy? No. Especially not when it all happens in such quick succession you don't even remember what 'normal' feels like), the Lord has taught me some very valuable lessons.

I thought I was close to God. I assumed I was in good standing with Him, that we had pretty much worked out my big faults way back when. And then I got married. And then I had a child. And then Ugly Me decided to come out and play. I had no idea how selfish, manipulative, and arrogant I was  am. 

In His mercy and wisdom, God gave me a son who doesn't sleep (remember, I'm currently trapped in his room...). I do not understand humans who don't sleep. I would sleep 9-10 hours every night if life allowed. And nap on Sundays. This has not been possible for the last 12 months. It is both amazing and annoying how God is using this situation to break me of some selfishness and to spend more time with me. When you are laying on the floor wide awake at 4am, there is nothing to do but pray. Or cry. Or both.

So this is my life now. And I love it.