I don't have an official count-down because that makes it all too real. I keep finding myself thinking as if I'm returning to China in August. But no, I have a one-way ticket this time. The best mental image I can think of to describe how I'm feeling right now is of a cat sliding off a tin roof. Feet scrambling and claws digging desperately to stop the fall. Or at least slow the fall.
It's not that I'm not happy about what's next. I really am looking forward to living and working in Chicago. I have no doubt that's where God is leading me. But I simply cannot feel excited about what's next. Not yet. There are still too many people, places, pets, routines, and foods to grieve. I have to say goodbye completely before I can move on the next emotional stage.
That's what I've been working on today. I have a list of people I work/live/worship with here in China, and I've begun writing letters to them. Some letters made me smile, because I was thinking about funny memories and sweet times together. Other letters made me cry, because I was thinking about the relationship holes they will leave. This is certainly not a fun or easy process. But it is necessary. Not only for me, but for them. They deserve to know the difference they have made in my life. They deserve to be thanked for their love and friendship.
Leaving China is about 1000% harder than leaving America. When I left America, I knew I'd be back for summers at least. I wasn't saying a permanent goodbye to my friends and family. I was saying a long-term see you later! I'll miss you! In reversing my trip, I'm saying goodbye, See you in eternity! to my China friends and family. Saying goodbye to people, knowing you may never see them again on this earth, truly is a grieving process.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Monday, May 7, 2012
再见中国 {On Leaving China}
July, 2007. Detroit--DC--Beijing--Chengdu. Jet-lag so bad, I was sick to my stomach. Never been so excited to see Gatorade and Ritz crackers.
Everything was new, and everything stayed 'new' for a long time. The food, the people, the apartment, the job, the language, the culture, the community. It was hard, it was fun, I cried, I laughed, I learned.
May 2012. Almost 5 years later, and many things are still 'new'. But most things are old, familiar, comfortable. Speaking to a taxi driver, I forget I'm speaking Chinese. I crave dishes that used to make me sick for days. I occasionally find myself spitting in public, and praying I'll stop doing that when I leave China!
The time has come for me to return to the States. It was not an easy decision. I need people to understand that I'm not leaving China because I'm sick of it. Of course there are days when I could hop on a plane and get out of here. But most days, this is home.
The decision was made because I knew God was gently nudging me out of this country. God's been doing a lot of work in my life, so it's a long story. But I'd love to share it with you. It's a story full of God's Providence, so I've put a big P each time it's relevant. {for those who can't handle long posts, skip to the end for a summary}
One night about two years ago, I couldn't sleep P because I was suddenly filled with a passion and desire to return home and 'help people'. At first, the idea was to start a tutoring or educational assistance business of some sort. I had many ideas, but no clue how to begin. Or when. Or where. All I could do was pray and wait.
This past summer (2011), God began morphing my dream. For my mom's birthday, we went to a Chinese buffet. While there, I met Chen Li Ping, P a 20-something girl who spoke Mandarin and restaurant English. She was elated when I spoke to her in Chinese, and asked me to give her an English name. My parents helped me name her Lily. That evening, I began to think how frustrating it must be for her to have lived in America for years, and still not know the language. How does she manage? Who helps her? Who supports her? Does she have American friends?
Later in the summer, I went to Chicago to visit some friends. While there, we drove through Chinatown. I had my face pressed against the window, marveling at the fact that I was in America, yet all the signs were in Chinese. P Chinatown felt like me--American, but also very much Chinese. It felt like home. This is when I began to realize what God was doing in my heart.
Through those two random events, He was developing a burden for Chinese immigrants. I have lived in China all these years, and have often wondered, Why China? Why couldn't I be teaching anywhere else? He has used my years here in China to give me a better understanding of what it means to be a 外国人--an outsider. P I know what it's like to feel stupid all the time, to not even know how to buy shampoo without squeezing some out of the bottle.
I came back to China in August, set on this being my last year. I still had no clue where He was leading me to next, I just knew it had to be where Chinese immigrants are. I began praying, asking God to show me what's next.
In November, He gave me the next step. I took a personal day to pray and finalize my decision to not sign another contract with my school here in China. During the day, I called a friend back home for some advice and prayer. While explaining to her what God had laid on my heart, she mentioned that while in Chicago over the weekend, she had driven past a Chinese Christian school. P I immediately Googled it and found Pui Tak Christian School. I read through their website, and when I read their mission and history, I started bawling. It put into words everything God had given me a heart to do. P
Still, I had nothing to do at the moment. Schools don't start hiring in November! But I knew that Pui Tak was the place God was leading me to, and so I would wait.
On Christmas Eve 2011, I flew into Chicago. One of my friends from home lives there and was willing to pick me up and drive me home, but we had to go to his church's Christmas eve service first. On the way there, I told him that I was moving home (hence the three heavy bags!!) and how God was leading me to Pui Tak. It just so happened that a friend of his--who would be at the service that evening--works at Pui Tak! P I was able to meet Winnie and ask her some questions and get some contact emails at the school.
After Christmas break, I contacted some people at Pui Tak. I briefly explained what God was doing in my life and inquired about position openings. I was told to send my resume in May, when they would know what positions would be open. The door was still open, but I was back to waiting.
In late February, the principal contacted me saying, "We have a preschool position open for next year. Are you interested?" YES!!!!!!!! Within a month, I had applied for the job, completed 2 skype interviews, and on March 21, I got the job! P
(For those of you who read the whole thing, take a breather. Blink a few times. Maybe stretch a bit.)
To summarize,
1. God gave me a burden for Chinese immigrants.
2. God directed me to leave China...
3. A few months later, He pointed me towards Pui Tak in Chicago
4. A few months later, He introduced me to Winnie, a Pui Tak employee
5. A few months later, the principal offered me a job
6. A few weeks later, I signed a contract to teach preschool!
7. God is faithful and sovereign. He invited me to join His work at Pui Tak, I obeyed, and He has affirmed my obedience over and over and over.
8. I am so thankful to serve such a cool God!
Everything was new, and everything stayed 'new' for a long time. The food, the people, the apartment, the job, the language, the culture, the community. It was hard, it was fun, I cried, I laughed, I learned.
May 2012. Almost 5 years later, and many things are still 'new'. But most things are old, familiar, comfortable. Speaking to a taxi driver, I forget I'm speaking Chinese. I crave dishes that used to make me sick for days. I occasionally find myself spitting in public, and praying I'll stop doing that when I leave China!
The time has come for me to return to the States. It was not an easy decision. I need people to understand that I'm not leaving China because I'm sick of it. Of course there are days when I could hop on a plane and get out of here. But most days, this is home.
The decision was made because I knew God was gently nudging me out of this country. God's been doing a lot of work in my life, so it's a long story. But I'd love to share it with you. It's a story full of God's Providence, so I've put a big P each time it's relevant. {for those who can't handle long posts, skip to the end for a summary}
One night about two years ago, I couldn't sleep P because I was suddenly filled with a passion and desire to return home and 'help people'. At first, the idea was to start a tutoring or educational assistance business of some sort. I had many ideas, but no clue how to begin. Or when. Or where. All I could do was pray and wait.
This past summer (2011), God began morphing my dream. For my mom's birthday, we went to a Chinese buffet. While there, I met Chen Li Ping, P a 20-something girl who spoke Mandarin and restaurant English. She was elated when I spoke to her in Chinese, and asked me to give her an English name. My parents helped me name her Lily. That evening, I began to think how frustrating it must be for her to have lived in America for years, and still not know the language. How does she manage? Who helps her? Who supports her? Does she have American friends?
Later in the summer, I went to Chicago to visit some friends. While there, we drove through Chinatown. I had my face pressed against the window, marveling at the fact that I was in America, yet all the signs were in Chinese. P Chinatown felt like me--American, but also very much Chinese. It felt like home. This is when I began to realize what God was doing in my heart.
Through those two random events, He was developing a burden for Chinese immigrants. I have lived in China all these years, and have often wondered, Why China? Why couldn't I be teaching anywhere else? He has used my years here in China to give me a better understanding of what it means to be a 外国人--an outsider. P I know what it's like to feel stupid all the time, to not even know how to buy shampoo without squeezing some out of the bottle.
I came back to China in August, set on this being my last year. I still had no clue where He was leading me to next, I just knew it had to be where Chinese immigrants are. I began praying, asking God to show me what's next.
In November, He gave me the next step. I took a personal day to pray and finalize my decision to not sign another contract with my school here in China. During the day, I called a friend back home for some advice and prayer. While explaining to her what God had laid on my heart, she mentioned that while in Chicago over the weekend, she had driven past a Chinese Christian school. P I immediately Googled it and found Pui Tak Christian School. I read through their website, and when I read their mission and history, I started bawling. It put into words everything God had given me a heart to do. P
Still, I had nothing to do at the moment. Schools don't start hiring in November! But I knew that Pui Tak was the place God was leading me to, and so I would wait.
On Christmas Eve 2011, I flew into Chicago. One of my friends from home lives there and was willing to pick me up and drive me home, but we had to go to his church's Christmas eve service first. On the way there, I told him that I was moving home (hence the three heavy bags!!) and how God was leading me to Pui Tak. It just so happened that a friend of his--who would be at the service that evening--works at Pui Tak! P I was able to meet Winnie and ask her some questions and get some contact emails at the school.
After Christmas break, I contacted some people at Pui Tak. I briefly explained what God was doing in my life and inquired about position openings. I was told to send my resume in May, when they would know what positions would be open. The door was still open, but I was back to waiting.
In late February, the principal contacted me saying, "We have a preschool position open for next year. Are you interested?" YES!!!!!!!! Within a month, I had applied for the job, completed 2 skype interviews, and on March 21, I got the job! P
(For those of you who read the whole thing, take a breather. Blink a few times. Maybe stretch a bit.)
To summarize,
1. God gave me a burden for Chinese immigrants.
2. God directed me to leave China...
3. A few months later, He pointed me towards Pui Tak in Chicago
4. A few months later, He introduced me to Winnie, a Pui Tak employee
5. A few months later, the principal offered me a job
6. A few weeks later, I signed a contract to teach preschool!
7. God is faithful and sovereign. He invited me to join His work at Pui Tak, I obeyed, and He has affirmed my obedience over and over and over.
8. I am so thankful to serve such a cool God!
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