Some Reflections on Leaving

I don't have an official count-down because that makes it all too real. I keep finding myself thinking as if I'm returning to China in August. But no, I have a one-way ticket this time. The best mental image I can think of to describe how I'm feeling right now is of a cat sliding off a tin roof. Feet scrambling and claws digging desperately to stop the fall. Or at least slow the fall.

It's not that I'm not happy about what's next. I really am looking forward to living and working in Chicago. I have no doubt that's where God is leading me. But I simply cannot feel excited about what's next. Not yet. There are still too many people, places, pets, routines, and foods to grieve. I have to say goodbye completely before I can move on the next emotional stage.

That's what I've been working on today. I have a list of people I work/live/worship with here in China, and I've begun writing letters to them. Some letters made me smile, because I was thinking about funny memories and sweet times together. Other letters made me cry, because I was thinking about the relationship holes they will leave. This is certainly not a fun or easy process. But it is necessary. Not only for me, but for them. They deserve to know the difference they have made in my life. They deserve to be thanked for their love and friendship.

Leaving China is about 1000% harder than leaving America. When I left America, I knew I'd be back for summers at least. I wasn't saying a permanent goodbye to my friends and family. I was saying a long-term see you later! I'll miss you! In reversing my trip, I'm saying goodbye, See you in eternity! to my China friends and family. Saying goodbye to people, knowing you may never see them again on this earth, truly is a grieving process.