Childish

Have you ever been in the grocery store and seen a child who has been told, "No."? The 'bad' kid throws a fit. Screaming. Crying. Begging. Kicking. Laying in the middle of the aisle. Throwing things. It's awkward for those witnessing, and mortifying for the parents.

That was me this past weekend.

I had high hopes and expectations for our 4-day Memorial Day weekend. We were going to have FUN! We were going to get stuff DONE! We were going out for a DATE! It was going to be awesome!!! And enjoyable!! And relaxing!!

Friday was all those things. It was not stressful, we got out of the house, enjoyed time as a family, ate ice cream (twice!).

Then came Saturday, and my little guy decided that life was too exciting to sleep. At all. Andwhen he fought naps and bed time (which I took personally as if he were fighting against ME), I responded like that rotten grocery store kid.

I got angry. I got frustrated. I raised my voice (not at my son, but towards my husband as I vented  complained). I cried. I pouted. I let a majority of the weekend be ruined because I didn't get MY WAY.

Ugh. I am mortified with myself. Ashamed. Embarrassed. Guilty that I also ruined the weekend for my husband and son.

More refining needs doing. Softening of my will. I should have taken a deep breath, said, "I guess he's too excited to sleep! Let's keep playing!" I should have prayed for the grace to figure out an alternative plan for us to still enjoy our time.

I failed this test. But I know God is faithful to keep teaching me until my childish heart gets it right. Gotta just get back up and keep trying to live this life for Him the best I can.

I lied.

Perhaps I was a little too eager. Life quickly got very busy and my life over the internet became very low on the priorities. Still is. But today I find myself trapped in my son's room while he tries to nap and thought I would pop over to my good ol' blog and see what was happening. (BTW, I have a son! Like I said, life quickly got busy!) 

There have been an overwhelming number of life changes that have happened since my feet landed back on US soil in June 2013. Through it all, good and hard (is change ever easy? No. Especially not when it all happens in such quick succession you don't even remember what 'normal' feels like), the Lord has taught me some very valuable lessons.

I thought I was close to God. I assumed I was in good standing with Him, that we had pretty much worked out my big faults way back when. And then I got married. And then I had a child. And then Ugly Me decided to come out and play. I had no idea how selfish, manipulative, and arrogant I was  am. 

In His mercy and wisdom, God gave me a son who doesn't sleep (remember, I'm currently trapped in his room...). I do not understand humans who don't sleep. I would sleep 9-10 hours every night if life allowed. And nap on Sundays. This has not been possible for the last 12 months. It is both amazing and annoying how God is using this situation to break me of some selfishness and to spend more time with me. When you are laying on the floor wide awake at 4am, there is nothing to do but pray. Or cry. Or both.

So this is my life now. And I love it.  

I'm Baaaack!

Wow, it's been a long time since I've been in the blogging world. I miss it. I miss looking at your blogs and hearing your thoughts and getting glimpses into your lives. I miss putting my thoughts into words on a screen, and hearing your feedback. Being overseas helped me understand that social media and blogs really do connect people, especially people you wish you could see every day but can't. 

Anywho. 

A lot has happened since summer 2012, biggest of which is I'M GETTING MARRIED!

I will begin posting more regularly and fill you in as I go.

Happy Valentine's Day! 

O, death, where is your sting?

1st John 5:16-17 says "If anyone sees his brother commit a sin that does not lead to death, he should pray and God will give him life. I refer to those whose sin does not lead to death...All wrongdoing is sin, and there is sin that does not lead to death." 

I had made a note in my Bible asking "Like what?" and for years had been irritated by my lack of understanding. Today in church, God spoke Truth and this was finally clarified in my mind. I am so grateful for the light of understanding! The pastor reiterated the context of 1st John, that it is a book written not to show how to become a Christian but rather what your life should look like if you are a Christian. Working from there, he pointed out that John is saying for a Christian--one who is a believer in Christ as Savior--sin no longer leads to death. When a believer sins, it leads him/her to the Cross over and over and over. 

After a truth-filled sermon, we ended the morning with a baptism. There are few things which bring me to tears each time I consider them, but baptism is one of them. What a beautiful and literal picture of our salvation. Through baptism we identify with Christ's burial, and most importantly, His resurrection. I absolutely love the celebration when the person comes up out of the water. How wonderful that we can truly rejoice in new life NOW! We do not have to wait for His return to experience this new life. 

I'll close with lyrics from one of the songs we sang this morning. I love the strong declaration of Truth and exhortation to the Church to stand up and live with Christ! 

Christ is Risen, by Matt Maher

Christ is risen from the dead, trampling over death by death

Come awake, come awake, come and rise up from the grave!

Christ is risen from the dead, we are one with him again

Come awake, come awake, come and rise up from the grave!

Oh, death, where is your sting? 

Oh, hell, where is your victory? 

Oh, church, come stand in the light!

Our God is not dead, he's alive, he's ALIVE!

A little scattered...

There are many things which have crossed my mind to blog about....but without a computer at my fingertips all the time, I get distracted and my passion fizzles. I had a good one on singleness and virginity, a quippy one about the Old Testament plagues and my apartment, and plenty of opinions about everything...but alas. Instead you simply get what's currently on my mind.

Earlier this week, I was up on the 95th floor of the Hancock building and my friend commented about how weird it is that I live in Chicago--I'm one of the people bustling about the city. When I think about how high up we were and how little the people looked, it is weird to think about. But when I'm down on the streets, either walking or driving, Chicago doesn't feel big. I'm glad about that--I don't like feeling intimidated or frightened. If I get turned around, I can figure out where I am and where I need to be.

And on a side-note, walking on the sidewalk isn't hazardous to your health like it is in China. Here, they don't pave the walkway with slick marble tiles. There aren't exploding tiles after it rains. There aren't unmarked holes into which you can fall up to your thigh. Things are relatively flat, level, and the people all walk at relatively the same brisk speed (no getting stuck behind slow-pokes!).

There are still days when I miss China. But mostly I'm still getting adjusted to life in this city. I'm thoroughly enjoying my long vacation, but looking forward to not only starting my new job but also getting a paycheck!!

Moving, moving, moving!

Sorry for my lack of posting. I recently moved to Chicago, and it's been quite a whirlwind past two weeks! Quick update: Got back from China (I am SO done with international flights), 4 days later went to Chicago to apartment-hunt (found one!), 3 days after that I bought a car (lots of annoying things went wrong with that, but it's all good now!), and 5 days after that, I moved in!! I've lived in my new apartment for a week now, and it's starting to feel like home. It will feel even more so once I have all the boxes OUT and all my pretty things hung and displayed and everything put where it belongs.

More later!

Some Reflections on Leaving

I don't have an official count-down because that makes it all too real. I keep finding myself thinking as if I'm returning to China in August. But no, I have a one-way ticket this time. The best mental image I can think of to describe how I'm feeling right now is of a cat sliding off a tin roof. Feet scrambling and claws digging desperately to stop the fall. Or at least slow the fall.

It's not that I'm not happy about what's next. I really am looking forward to living and working in Chicago. I have no doubt that's where God is leading me. But I simply cannot feel excited about what's next. Not yet. There are still too many people, places, pets, routines, and foods to grieve. I have to say goodbye completely before I can move on the next emotional stage.

That's what I've been working on today. I have a list of people I work/live/worship with here in China, and I've begun writing letters to them. Some letters made me smile, because I was thinking about funny memories and sweet times together. Other letters made me cry, because I was thinking about the relationship holes they will leave. This is certainly not a fun or easy process. But it is necessary. Not only for me, but for them. They deserve to know the difference they have made in my life. They deserve to be thanked for their love and friendship.

Leaving China is about 1000% harder than leaving America. When I left America, I knew I'd be back for summers at least. I wasn't saying a permanent goodbye to my friends and family. I was saying a long-term see you later! I'll miss you! In reversing my trip, I'm saying goodbye, See you in eternity! to my China friends and family. Saying goodbye to people, knowing you may never see them again on this earth, truly is a grieving process.